Don't Kill The Patients

Some of you may already know this story, but I want to share it again. A few months ago, as I held a bloody heart in my hand, I lost my first patient. She was a Jane Doe, a jumper barely alive when she was brought in. She lost her pulse seconds after she was transferred to the hospital bed. I was surprised by how quick the whole team responded. As some doctors yelled for blood and another pushed epi, a couple of them immediately made a large cut to open almost the entire left side of her chest. They used a tool to push her flesh and ribs apart and took the heart right out of the cavity. One doctor handed me the woman's heart and told me to start pumping. I literally had her naked heart between my hands as I rhythmically squeezed. I blocked out the commotion and focused on my job. I only took my hands off when the doctors shocked her with something that looked like a salad tong, then I got right back to it. I could hear them in the background yelling for blood and working on keeping her alive. A few minutes later, as my hands still held her heart and pumped, they called her time of death. They were frustrated but used this experience to teach the residents. They asked, "What could we have done better?" At the very end, they showed me how to sew her up and I closed her. And naturally, I couldn't help but wonder if I killed her. "Do no harm." That's what we're taught. What if I had broken the fundamental rule doctors are supposed to follow? I had to convince myself that her death wasn't my fault. Unfortunately as a doctor, I'll have to experience these things. But the lives saved more than make up for it. Like the patient I had a while later, a man who came in with a head laceration that he got while trying to protect a stranger. Someone shaved and numbed his very bloody head and I helped staple his scalp back together. I got him warm blankets and stayed to talk to him. He told me I did a great job and right before I left that night, he prayed for me. I would have never guessed it, but he had a greater impact on my outlook of life than the first patient did.