Aisa Osayuki Estelle

“The longer you wait, the more important you become.”

77 days into the new year and I just realized I never really made a New Year's Resolution. Last year, I had a long list but that might be because of how badly the year started off for me. There were so many things in my life I wanted to improve, include, or change altogether and I'm happy to say I successfully completed most of the things on my list (one of the hardest being getting into med school). My year ended a lot better than it started and for that, I am so grateful.

• Travel to Thailand - I recently bought my ticket and I can't wait!
• Keep up with my YouTube channel
• Draw, read, and write more
• Keep up with my blog
• Take better care of my body
• Go on more adventures and stop taking this city for granted - when I studied abroad, I explored every country I visited. I made sure to make the most out of my time there.

When I came back to America, one of my new friends decided to visit Los Angeles. It wasn't until I tried to entertain him that I realized I knew nothing about this city. I've gotten better of course. I've gone on more adventures I tried to explore this place more. But it seems like there's always something I've never done. That's something I love about this place. I have all this time off now; I should take advantage of it.

• Get an apartment with Will - I love where I live, but I am sooooooooo ready to move on! I want my own place. I feel like I'm still an undergrad in my current house, living with 20something other students. I want my own kitchen, hardwood floors, privacy, etc. We're currently looking :) We didn't renew our lease so this is happening for real!

2015 might have been one of the most painful years of my life. Well, at least the first half. Early January last year, Will and I were lying on his bed and he asked me what I was thinking. My mind was racing with useless thoughts so I just said, "Nothing." He told me, “There’s something different about you.” When I asked him what he meant, he paused for a long time then said, “I don’t know… you seem lost.”

That's because I was.

Nothing in life seemed to be working out for me at that moment (in almost all aspects of my life, a list too long and too personal to include in a blog post). Many of these things made me question my future and put me through a lot of emotional turmoil. But then, around July, things began working themselves out. One at a time, a problem in my life was solved. I got a good job, a couple of med school acceptances, built a SIGNIFICANTLY better relationship with my boyfriend, got help with some other problems, and things started to take off from there. Looking back, it was kind of a sudden transition, taking only a couple of months to turn my circumstances around. But it felt so slow, so agonizingly slow.

To be completely honest, sometimes I try to forget the beginning of 2015. It would take several journal entries, several hours of talking to explain how difficult it was. But I know I should be glad I can't block out the year. The hardships I went through last year taught me so much about myself and about the world and I feel that I am a better person because of it. From narrowly escaping the possibility of losing my apartment to dealing with the death of a friend, and countless other things in between. Some lessons included: I learned to stop overthinking and stressing over little things. With so much going on, the insignificant things that once bothered me became irrelevant and remained irrelevant. I learned how to be a better girlfriend and a more understanding person in general. I grew up in the real world and took on more responsibility. No longer could I rely on financial aid or work-study jobs. And, I think most importantly, I learned the importance of expressing my love towards my friends, family, and boyfriend more than ever before; it should not take a funeral for me to tell someone how much they mean to me.

A while ago, Will and I made a YouTube channel. After three videos, we started getting requests from our subscribers (and some friends) to start vlogging. So as of November 23rd, we became professional vloggers :) If you're interested in that kind of thing, I encourage you to check us out!

Our most recent upload is a video of us sharing our most embarrassing moments.


I'm not going to lie, I was apprehensive about uploading it after watching the finished product. But some time ago, I realized that I had started to take myself too seriously and it often times brought down my mood. Since maybe around April or May, I've been a lot more light hearted and I've noticed a big change. I'm so much happier now than I was before and I even noticed a difference in my self-esteem. And though sometimes I have to remind myself to not take things too seriously, I'm improving every day. This video was a big step out of my comfort zone but I'm glad I did it. And I'm so happy I was able to make this video with Will. He's always been good at laughing at himself and maintaining his happiness. I don't know why I didn't notice this before. It seems intuitive that overthinking is bad for you, but I was too wrapped up in the idea of perfection that I didn't realize how my thinking affected my emotional well-being. But now, I'm learning more and more every day how to be unapologetically me. I laugh at and learn from my mistakes and I'm not so critical. This allows me to appreciate each day in a way that I once wasn't able to. And it's awesome!

So if any of you guys are feeling down or anxious all the time, consider the possibility that you're taking life too seriously and not laughing at yourself enough. Changing your point of view in life is easier than it seems, I promise. And the rewards are amazing :)

Less than a month before I graduated, I had a weirdly vivid dream. I was with some people from both high school and college. I was telling my old friends from high school about my college experience. One kid, Jacob, wasn’t satisfied with my descriptions and he said, “You’re not telling me what was really important about the college experience.”
After thinking a little I said, “College helped me-“
“Find yourself right?” He cut me off. “You found who you are? I want to remind you of who you were.”
The rest of the dream was a blur but I remember that part so well. This might sound silly but I took it as a sign. Before falling asleep that night I prayed for a sign from God. I was a little unsure about my future and I didn’t know where my life was heading. I felt like something was missing. Just a few days later, at church, my pastor was talking about growth and I gasped when I heard him say, “We continually change but it’s important to remember who you were. Sometimes we need to be reminded to know who we are.”
I’m not exactly sure what that dream meant but I started trying to remember who I was before I moved to LA.
I wasn’t only a science kind of girl before I came here. I have always loved art. Everything art! I’ve been writing novels and poems since before I can remember. I draw, I dance, I paint, I take and edit pictures/videos, I love reading, and I play four instruments. But as an undergrad, I never really had time to indulge in my artistic passions. Sure, I danced a little and drew some pictures, but my artistic side was relatively suppressed to make room for science and engineering. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning all that stuff. But one thing I really appreciate about taking time off before med school is that I can get back in touch with a side of myself that I thought I had lost. I just had to remember who I was. I’m logical and analytical. I love science and math. But I’m also emotional. I feel too hard and I’m an artist. Sometimes I forget that and I start to feel empty. I wrote this poem but I had forgotten its meaning:


But not just writing, strip any of my art from me and I’m no longer myself. It’s so simple as a child. We know what we want and what we like and we pursue it. Then we grow up and there are so many rules to follow and so many requirements to meet and we lose sight of what we once thought was important. I’ve seen it happen to so many people. I can’t let it happen to me again.
I’m doing NaNoWriMo this month. I hope to finish a 50,000-word novel. And I’ve been reading, drawing, and playing ukulele more than I did before. My next step is to sign up for a dance class. I miss it so much. Especially hip-hop, jazz, and contemporary.
This time off has taught me the importance of finding balance. I know that my passion is to become a physician, but I also know that there are many sides of me and they are all important. It’s going to be hard in medical school to maintain this balance but now that I remember who I was, I will never let go of her again.

This one will be quick. I just want to express how incredibly happy I am that I’m finally officially a substitute teacher! It has been such a long and draining process but I don’t regret it at all. With all the random obstacles, I was beginning to feel discouraged. But I made it! I can barely hold in my excitement. I was already called to sub for my first class this week. I can’t wait to meet the kids and maybe even change some lives. You can now call me Ms. Iyawe haha :)

I recently did a photoshoot for a friend's project ("Colors" by Noor Euceph). She asked female models of various different skin colors to write about their ethnicity and what their skin color means to them. I loved participating in this project because too often, I see signs in the media (both explicit and implicit) that my shade of beauty isn't up to par. As a child, I struggled with the self-hatred caused by my exposure to such things but now, I couldn't possibly love my skin more. I truly hope that every woman who looks like me will realize how gorgeous she is.

Anyway this is how I answered her questions:

What is your ethnic background/what ethnicity do you identity with?
I am Nigerian. I was born there and I was raised very culturally Nigerian. Because of my background, I am grounded in my roots.

What does your skin color mean to you?
When I think of my skin color, I think about my journey from self-hatred to self-love. My skin color is a lesson in pride and accepting myself in a society with standard of beauty that doesn’t. My skin color encompasses the struggle and the triumph of an immigrant, the conflict between two languages and cultures, the pressure to be academically and socially outstanding, and all the negative and positive feelings of being considered “exotic". Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize how incredibly beautiful my skin really is, but better late than never. I hope that everyone takes pride in their skin color, especially those raised in societies that don’t appreciate its beauty. I know I do. I mean, how could I hate my skin color when it is a testament to how much the sun is in love with me?