Who I Was

Less than a month before I graduated, I had a weirdly vivid dream. I was with some people from both high school and college. I was telling my old friends from high school about my college experience. One kid, Jacob, wasn’t satisfied with my descriptions and he said, “You’re not telling me what was really important about the college experience.”
After thinking a little I said, “College helped me-“
“Find yourself right?” He cut me off. “You found who you are? I want to remind you of who you were.”
The rest of the dream was a blur but I remember that part so well. This might sound silly but I took it as a sign. Before falling asleep that night I prayed for a sign from God. I was a little unsure about my future and I didn’t know where my life was heading. I felt like something was missing. Just a few days later, at church, my pastor was talking about growth and I gasped when I heard him say, “We continually change but it’s important to remember who you were. Sometimes we need to be reminded to know who we are.”
I’m not exactly sure what that dream meant but I started trying to remember who I was before I moved to LA.
I wasn’t only a science kind of girl before I came here. I have always loved art. Everything art! I’ve been writing novels and poems since before I can remember. I draw, I dance, I paint, I take and edit pictures/videos, I love reading, and I play four instruments. But as an undergrad, I never really had time to indulge in my artistic passions. Sure, I danced a little and drew some pictures, but my artistic side was relatively suppressed to make room for science and engineering. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning all that stuff. But one thing I really appreciate about taking time off before med school is that I can get back in touch with a side of myself that I thought I had lost. I just had to remember who I was. I’m logical and analytical. I love science and math. But I’m also emotional. I feel too hard and I’m an artist. Sometimes I forget that and I start to feel empty. I wrote this poem but I had forgotten its meaning:

Strip my writing from me and I'll be empty

With an overflowing heart beating for a way to be set free

Too poor so traveling won’t tempt me

And I can’t escape with drugs because my insanity won’t let me

Strip my writing from me and

You would be the divorce attorney

Breaking pen and paper's divine unity

Take my ink from me

And all I'm left with is the trauma that started me writing

Passion does not flow from my lips

But from my fingertips

Emotionless on my face with a heart that speaks only through paper

Words piercing that vessel with every emotion there was, is, and ever will be

Strip my writing from me and you take away my immortality

Like the ink from my pen is the blood seeping out of me

My only way to flee from the world’s strange formalities

And rid myself of the mask that hides my true personality

Strip my writing from me and I'll be lost

Hopelessly searching for purpose

With degenerating hands itching for a stick to hold

Mind and soul racing with dissatisfaction

Inevitably to fall back into depression

My only means of escape

Is the art of making pen and paper touch

Strip my writing from me and I am nothing.

But not just writing, strip any of my art from me and I’m no longer myself. It’s so simple as a child. We know what we want and what we like and we pursue it. Then we grow up and there are so many rules to follow and so many requirements to meet and we lose sight of what we once thought was important. I’ve seen it happen to so many people. I can’t let it happen to me again.
I’m doing NaNoWriMo this month. I hope to finish a 50,000-word novel. And I’ve been reading, drawing, and playing ukulele more than I did before. My next step is to sign up for a dance class. I miss it so much. Especially hip-hop, jazz, and contemporary.

This time off has taught me the importance of finding balance. I know that my passion is to become a physician, but I also know that there are many sides of me and they are all important. It’s going to be hard in medical school to maintain this balance but now that I remember who I was, I will never let go of her again.

A little rusty and not my best, but this was the first picture I drew after graduating ^^